Utopia

He was looking at her carefully, from a distance. The angel seemed to be asleep. It looked like she was floating above him, so far away he couldn’t touch her but close enough for him to see her expressions, her pure face.

The angel’s face was calm, as was the faint scent of the wind, blowing around. He couldn’t understand it since he knew the angel was full of pain. He couldn’t feel her pain, but he could feel it existed. He could also see her whole body shaking from the pain but the calm expression on her face never changed.

The whole time he had felt extreme hatred for the angel, mixed with extreme happiness for her existence. He had actually known all along where they came from. His own inability to understand her feelings and actions, and not even trying to understand them. But one thing he understood for sure, if nothing else. At this very moment the angel was suffering for him.

Until now, he had watched her his mind completely blank, but suddenly something moved inside of him. As he kept looking at her, he started to pity her. Sure, she looked pitiful to him, her arms holding her shaking, tiny body, like she could still protect herself. It didn’t make any sense though. There was no way for her to protect herself any more. Maybe there never was.

Actually, he had never seen her trying to protect herself. She had always protected him. And finally, he started to feel guilty, as he saw her shaking grow stronger, and then, finally starting to fade away.

”She’ll die,” he thought in panic. He didn’t understand why he was terrified by the thought, hadn’t he always wanted to get rid of her? Hadn’t he always thought his life would be so much easier without her? However, he didn’t think any more. Suddenly, completely out of the blue, his mind was full of the need to save her, the angel. Keep her with him and never ever let her go. And so, he opened his mouth to call her name.

At first, he could only hear himself whispering the angel’s name. His voice was too weak to reach her, but he did not give up on repeating her name. His voice grew louder until he was able to shout it with all his mind. One desperate cry, and the angel finally loosened her stone face. She opened her eyes.

He felt great relief. His angel smiled in a loving way when she looked down and saw him, trying to reach for her. Slowly, she began to float down to him. When the angel was close enough, he grabbed her hands to make sure she wouldn’t fly away.

He kept looking his angel in the eyes. The angel looked back, still smiling, even brighter than before. But he couldn’t smile. For that, he was too confused. He couldn’t think either. He just continued to look at his angel, and feel her soft hands in his own, her skin on his fingers.

He pulled her hands lightly to get her a little closer. Then he began to slowly move his face towards hers. The angel looked at him with curiosity, his face being so close she could feel his breath. Soon, her eyes became wide with wonder, as his lips slightly touched her lips. It wasn’t actually a kiss, it was too quick and too slight. During that short moment they both still looked at each other deep in the eyes.

He saw a faint blush on his angel’s cheeks as he moved back a little. Now the angel was too confused to fall back to her loving smile. Then finally, he closed his eyes and gently kissed her.

”What are you doing?” the angel whispered in confusion when they separated. He pulled her to another soft kiss before he answered:

”I’m thanking you.”

And he kissed her again, longer than before. She didn’t refuse, but she didn’t seem to know what to do about it.

”I don’t know how else to do it,” he breathed.

”Since I’m not good at anything else than… something like this.”

Now she laughed a little, in an unsure way. But even now, she was taken by surprise when he connected their lips again.

”I’m sorry,” he said then, with the full meaning of the word, meaning everything he possibly could mean by those words. And still, the angel looked completely clueless. Her eyes were wide open when she asked:

”For what…?”

That was too much for him. It was heart-breaking. As he looked at his angel’s loving, pure, innocent face, tears began to flow from his eyes. For a blink of an eye the angel looked worried, even scared for him, but soon he pulled the angel against him and held her as gently as he could. And then, passionately, kissed her for a long while.

She finally answered his kiss, though very slowly, as if she wasn’t sure how to. For some time their lips moved together and when they finally parted he cried:

”Why! Why do you protect me?” he breathed heavily.

”Why are you doing everything for my sake?”

The angel wiped his tears away, but they didn’t stop flowing.

”I love you,” the angel answered, like it was too obvious to even ask.

”Then why do you protect him too?” he asked, still crying. Actually, he already knew.

”I love him too,” she replied.

He nodded slightly.

”I love him because you love him.”

That part he didn’t understand, but he didn’t have power to even try. He just wanted to feel her closer, much closer to him, so he kissed her once again, holding her against him as tightly as he dared.

”I love you,” he said then, like he was admitting something rather obvious, crying more than he had most likely ever cried. Silent, endless tears. They started to flow from his angel’s eyes too, as his words reached her.

”I’ve been waiting to hear that for your entire history.”