Twisted Identity (Hart)

I cannot say that I process how I face people, I just do it, instinctively. Most of the time, that is. It’s not like I stop to think about this every day. For that, I wouldn’t have enough time. But when I do think about it, I don’t seem to know which part I should play.

I am always the chief. That part doesn’t really change. To every person I meet in this daily life, I am the chief.

But my circles are small. I order the closest people to deal with the ones farther away. These people I meet frequently, and to these people I am the chief and something else.

It’s the something else part that changes depending on the person in question. But when I really stop and think about it, I can’t seem to differentiate that part from the chief. I have a hard time telling which part is speaking. Or which one should be.

It seems vital to control these things, and still, after all the years of experience I can’t. I think it would have been important to my sons too, for me to know how to do this. I am positive it is due to this inability of mine that I don’t know whether I understand them or not.

Leco, he is next in line for the throne. So when is it that he needs me to be the chief, when a father, when a teacher? If I had known the answer it would have been possible to save him from some, possibly many, unnecessary evils.

With Hemer, I cannot read his state of happiness at all. When he is listening to me and doesn’t answer, is it the chief or the father he is listening to? Or is he really listening at all? The times he doesn’t seem to react at all, and the times he is making faces… Is there a difference whether it is the chief or his father he sees in me?

The castle, the village, the town, they’re all full of friends for me. That is how I tend to view them. But on second thoughts I am confused. Are they being loyal to their chief? Am I respected for a job well done? Or do they simply find the person behind the job pleasant? Yes, I know that it is likely to be both. I am still confused about when.

Honestly, I probably need someone to tell me I am never wholly black nor white. That I am always both, the chief, and the something else. That the reason I can act instinctively and the reason I cannot tell these parts apart is as simple as that.

That the reason I am sometimes unable to understand and relate to other people is as simple as it is to everyone else. Because I am human.